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Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."
(At this point I had to put the caller on hold to tell the rest of the tech support staff what had happened. I couldn't, however, stop from giggling when I got back to the call.)
Tech Support: "Ok, did you type 'click' with the keyboard?"
Customer: "I have done something dumb, right?"

***

One woman called Dell's toll-free line to ask how to install the batteries in her laptop. When told that the directions were on the first page of the manual the woman replied angrily, "I just paid $2,000 for this damn thing, and I'm not going to read the book."

Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting the same error message."
Tech Support: "Did you install the update?"
Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"

Customer: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word."
Tech Support: "Tell me what you've done."
Customer: "I typed 'A:\SETUP'."
Tech Support: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says."
Customer: "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'."
Tech Support: "Insert the MS Word setup disk."
Customer: "What?"
Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"
Customer: "No..."

***

Tech Support: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"

***

Customer: "Uhh...I need help unpacking my new PC."
Tech Support: "What exactly is the problem?"
Customer: "I can't open the box."
Tech Support: "Well, I'd remove the tape holding the box closed and go from there."
Customer: "Uhhhh...ok, thanks..."

Customer: "I'm having a problem installing your software. I've got a fairly old computer, and when I type 'INSTALL', all it says is 'Bad command or file name'."
Tech Support: "OK, check the directory of the A: drive-go to A:\ and type 'dir'." Customer reads off a list of file names, including 'INSTALL.EXE'.
Tech Support: "All right, the correct file is there. Type 'INSTALL' again."
Customer: "Ok." (pause) "Still says 'Bad command or file name'."
Tech Support: "Hmmm. The file's there in the correct place – it can't help but do something. Are you sure you're typing I-N-S-T-A-L-L and hitting the Enter key?"
Customer: "Yes, let me try it again." (pause) "Nope, still 'Bad command or file name'."
Tech Support: (now really confused) "Are you sure you're typing I-N-S-T-A-L-L and hitting the key that says 'Enter'?"
Customer: "Well, yeah. Although my 'N' key is stuck, so I'm using the 'M' key...does that matter?

***

At our company we have asset numbers on the front of everything. They give the location, name, and everything else just by scanning the computer's asset barcode or using the number beneath the bars.
Customer: "Hello. I can't get on the network."
Tech Support: "Ok. Just read me your asset number so we can open an outage."
Customer: "What is that?"
Tech Support: "That little barcode on the front of your computer."
Customer: "Ok. Big bar, little bar, big bar, big bar . . ."

***

Customer: "I got this problem. You people sent me this install disk, and now my A: drive won't work."
Tech Support: "Your A drive won't work?"
Customer: "That's what I said. You sent me a bad disk, it got stuck in my drive, now it won't work at all."
Tech Support: "Did it not install properly? What kind of error messages did you get?"
Customer: "I didn't get any error message. The disk got stuck in the drive and wouldn't come out. So I got these pliers and tried to get it out. That didn't work either."
Tech Support: "You did what, sir?"
Customer: "I got these pliers, and tried to get the disk out, but it wouldn't budge. I just ended up cracking the plastic stuff a bit."
Tech Support: "I don't understand sir, did you push the eject button?"
Customer: "No, so then I got a stick of butter and melted it and used a turkey baster and put the butter in the drive, around the disk, and that got it loose. I can't believe you would send me a disk that was broke and defective."
Tech Support: "Let me get this clear. You put melted butter in your A: drive and used pliers to pull the disk out?"
At this point, I put the call on the speaker phone and motioned at the other techs to listen in.
Tech Support: "Just so I am absolutely clear on this, can you repeat what you just said?"
Customer: "I said I put butter in my A: drive to get your crappy disk out, then I had to use pliers to pull it out." Tech Support: "Did you push that little button that was sticking out when the disk was in the drive, you know, the thing called the disk eject button?"
Silence. "Sir?"
Customer: "Yes."
Tech Support: "Sir, did you push the eject button?"
Customer: "No, but you people are going to fix my computer, or I am going to sue you for breaking my computer?"
Tech Support: "Let me get this straight. You are going to sue our company because you put the disk in the A: drive, didn't follow the instructions we sent you, didn't actually seek professional advice, didn't consult your user's manual on how to use your computer properly, instead proceeding to pour butter into the drive and physically rip the disk out?" Customer: "Ummmm."
Tech Support: "Do you really think you stand a chance, since we do record every call and have it on tape?"
Customer: (now rather humbled) "But you're supposed to help!"
Tech Support: "I am sorry sir, but there is nothing we can do for you. Have a nice day."

Insänt av Q-hunden

Actual reference queries reported by American and Canadian library reference desk workers of various levels. All of these situations are real and some of them were mighty embarrassing.

"Do you have books here?"

"Do you have a list of all the books written in the English language?"

"Do you have a list of all the books I've ever read?"

"I'm looking for Robert James Waller's book, 'Waltzing through Grand Rapids.'" (Actual title wanted: "Slow Waltz in Cedar Bend.")

"Do you have that book by Rushdie: 'Satanic Nurses'?" (Actual title: "Satanic Verses")

"Where is the reference desk?" This was asked of a person sitting at a desk who had, hanging above her head, a sign saying "REFERENCE DESK"!

"I was here about three weeks ago looking at a cookbook that cost $39.95. Do you know which one it is?"

"Which outlets in the library are appropriate for my hair dryer?"

"Can you tell me why so many famous Civil War battles were fought on National Park sites?"

"Do you have any books with photographs of dinosaurs?"

"I need a color photograph of George Washington [Christopher Columbus, King Arthur, Moses, Socrates, etc.]"

"I need a photocopy of Booker T. Washington's birth certificate."

"I need to find out Ibid's first name for my bibliography."

"Why don't you have any books by Ibid? He's written a lot of important stuff."

"I'm looking for information on carpal tunnel syndrome. I think I'm having trouble with it in my neck."

"Is the basement upstairs?" (Asked at First Floor Reference Desk)

"I am looking for a list of laws that I can break that would send me back to jail for a couple of months."

Always check your sources

A visitor arrived at a monastery high in the mountains. Since they didn't get many visitors, the abbot was happy to show him around. He was proudest of the scriptorium, where the monks spent hours every day making copies of precious manuscripts. "We take turns proofreading each other's work," the abbot said. "Every page is checked over at least six times to make sure that no error is introduced in the process of copying."

"And these are the original texts they're copying from?" asked the visitor.

"Oh, no," said the abbot. "We wouldn't want to take a chance on anything happening to those. We keep them safely locked in our crypt. The monks in the scriptorium use copies that were made from the original manuscripts centuries ago."

"I see," said the visitor. "But are you sure there are no errors in the copies you're copying from? I mean, it doesn't matter how carefully you copy the copies if they have mistakes in them."

The abbot chuckled. "I don't think there's much chance of that. But, when I get a little time, maybe I'll take a look at the originals just to make sure."

The next morning, when the monks assembled for prayer, the abbot was not among them, nor was he in his quarters. Joined by the visitor, the monks searched through all the monastery buildings. In the chapel, they heard muffled sobs, and after looking around for a bit they found a door open behind the altar, with a flight of steps leading down. "Where does this go?" asked the visitor.

"To the crypt," the monks told him. They all scrambled down the stairs, and found the abbot sitting at a desk. The desk was covered with ancient manuscripts, dimly illuminated by candles. The abbot was weeping as if his heart would break.

"Father Abbot," asked the monks anxiously, "what is the matter?"

The abbot raised his tearful eyes and looked at them. "It says CELEBRATE," he sobbed.

/Alf

TAKEN FROM CHURCH BULLETINS AROUND BRITAIN:

1. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptised at both ends.

2. Tuesday at 4pm there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk, come early.

3. Wednesday the ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mr. Johnson will sing "put me in my little bed" accompanied by the pastor.

4. Thursday at 5pm there will be a meeting of the Little Mother's Club. All ladies wishing to be little mothers please meet with the pastor in his study.

5. This being Easter Sunday we will ask Mrs. Johnson to lay an egg at the altar.

6. The service will close with 'Little drops of water'. One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

7. On Sunday a special collection will be taken towards the expenses of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet, come forward and get a piece of paper.

8. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and may be seen in the church basement on Friday afternoon.

9. A bean supper will be held on Saturday evening in the church basement. Music will follow.

10.The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

11. Tonight's sermon: What is Hell? Come early and listen to our choir practice.

12. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

13. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

14. Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

15. Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help.

Insänt av M.J. Söderström

Och flera ...

Från en bekant i USA har jag fått en samling "Church bloopers" och en del av dem är riktiga små pärlor.

- Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at our church. Come tonight and hear Bertha belch all the way from Arica.

- Announcement in the church bulletin for a National Prayer & Fasting Conference: The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer Conference includes meals.

- Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 pm in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

- Miss Marlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again" giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

- Ladies, please remember our rummage sale. It is a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don´t forget your husbands.

- The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has ben cancelled due to a conflict.

- The sermon this morning "Jesus walks on water". The sermon tonight "Searching for Jesus".

- Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

- Barbara remains in hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack´s sermons.

- During the absence of our Pastor we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J F Stubbs supplied our pulpit. sTi Goodlookingstrippedsingers Hu Albums%202006 Artrach And In Fate We Rest Good Looking Stripped Singers Avigsidan - Klassikers j Good Good Looking Stripped Singers Good Looking Stripped Singers Good Looking Stripped Singers bTi Goodlookingstrippedsingers Hu Albums%202006 Artrach And In Fate We Rest Good Looking Stripped Singers Avigsidan - Klassikera x Good